A story of star crossed socks

Once I had a pair of socks that were so incredibly fantabulous I thought they deserved names. Thus I named them. The left was called Juliet and the right, Romeo. Unless of course Juliet was on the right foot while Romeo was on the left, then they switched names. They were in love. Deep, passionate love. They couldn't bear to be apart from one another. Since they were my favorite socks I wore them often so they didn't get much together time folded together in my sock drawer.

While doing laundry one day, I realized that much to my chagrin I had lost Romeo. The evil washing machine had eaten him. Juliet languished away by herself, alone, forgotten in the sock drawer hoping that one day Romeo would come back to her. He never did. So she committed suicide by stabbing herself on a loose nail. The hole grew until she was past saving and was finally buried in the garbage bin. Shortly after that Romeo reappeared from the abyss of the washing machine. Alas, it was too late, his beloved Juliet had already perished.

The loss was monumental. From that day forward, the queen of the socks declared that no one would ever love again. The practice of pairing was abolished.

And that's why my socks don't match. Stop fucking asking me about it.

Ps. The real reason is that I'm lazy and don't really give a shit. If my socks happen to match, that's great. It's like I won the sock lottery. If they don't. Who cares? At least I'm wearing socks.

It's hard to believe we came from the same genes.

The other day I had a conversation with my youngest brother who just got his blasting license.

Me: How was work? Did you blow anything up?

Ted: No. I was doing construction not the other job.

Me: Yeah, I know. Did you blow anything up?

Ted: I was working with sheet metal. I can't blow anything up.

Me: Yes you can, you have your blasting license now.

Ted: That's not how it works. I can't just blow up whatever I want up.

Me: Are you sure? Have you tried it? I mean, if you blew up a car you couldn't get in trouble. When the police arrive all you have to do is show them your blasting license and say "It's okay, I'm a professional".

Ted: Ummm? Yeah. No. That's not going to work at all.

Me: How do you know, if you haven't tried it?

Ted: If all you needed to blow stuff up was a blasting license then every terrorist would have one.

Me: Oh. I see your point. (I was lying. I didn't see it at all. I was planning on getting one as well so I could play with dynamite).

Ted: How do you manage to survive in this world with a delusional brain such as yours?

Actually that last sentence was made up. I'm pretty sure that's what he was thinking though. Siblings are always judgemental. What he really did was growl, say he was tired and hang up. I'm sure he'll come to see my point of view though. Therefore I win!
Ted: 0 Jen: 1

A new years resolution. Two months early, or ten months late.

Today, while vacuuming the couch I found cracker crumbs and cat hair. It wasn't very exciting. Actually the cat hair was somewhat interesting, I had enough to make a life sized cat sculpture which I made and my cats promptly tried to eat. Why do they like eating hair so much? Anyhow, I digress. The point was that I didn't find any money in my couch.

I like finding money. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside. It also helps fuel my nicotine addiction.

From now on I'm going to start wearing baggier pants with large pockets that are loaded with change. That way when I vacuum next week I'll find money instead of hairy crumbs. That sounded dirty. It wasn't meant to.

Mind the cliches

Today I had a complete and utter meltdown - one of the many I've had in the past month. Perhaps I was naive or just plain stupid but I was under the assumption that once I stopped drinking all I had to deal with was the constant cravings, and the effects of withdrawal. Boy, was I wrong.

Being an alcoholic consists of drinking and figuring out how you're going to get your next drink. Paying bills, meeting deadlines, treating others with respect and integrity, going to work, cleaning, eating, seeing your friends and family, not drinking and driving, going to appointments, putting on makeup, doing your hair, wearing nice clothes, all of those go right out the window. So when you ignore all of those you end up with a huge mess to clean up.

Some days I see the light at the end of the tunnel (excuse the cliche but it seemed most appropriate) and then others, like today, are so overwhelming it's hard to ignore the urge to climb into bed and pull the covers over my head.

I had finally been paid, a very small portion of what is owed to me, but none the less it was enough to pay the over due bills and keep my head above water until the rest of the funds came in. I also had a new bank card as my old one was fraudulent. I went to the corner store to buy my mandatory pack of smokes. Don't judge, I can only deal with one addiction at a time. I inserted my debit card, entered my pin and learned that my bank account was closed. I rooted through my purse, came up with enough change to cover the cost and then went home. Once home, I took off all my clothes (temper tantrums are always more satisfying when done in the buff), closed all the windows - lest my neighbours think that someone was being murdered when I started screaming, and let forth my rage which included the throwing of couch cushions, angry tweets and texts, and of course screaming/hysterical sobbing.

Once finished, I realized my tantrum, although thoroughly satisfying was completely unnecessary. I've had a lot of days like this and I got through them with the help of my friends and family. Perhaps the freak outs and tears weren't needed? All I was doing was venting my frustration and anger in an unhealthy way. Most children grow out of this stage and learn to cope in a healthier, more mature way. Why was I regressing? Or had I never developed adult coping skills?

There are going to be a lot more days like this. I can't behave like a child any longer. I don't need to add any more stress to the pile I already have. Instead of bitching and moaning I'm going to take the hand I'm dealt and use it to my advantage. Enough of letting life control my emotions, I'm going to take charge and control my life. It's time to dust off the heels, pull out the red lipstick and not only live my life but enjoy it. I might as well, I could end up as a dung beetle in the next life. I've got to take advantage of this one. I've got more than most. I have a support system, a great job, a roof over my head (albeit a crappy one that leaks in my living room), a car that is mostly reliable and a closet full of really great clothes that I haven't worn in months.

Watch out world, I'm back with a vengeance.

This song sums up exactly how I feel right now.

I'm back!

This last week or so have been really difficult but I made it through. There were times where I didn't think that I had the strength, now I know that I do. Over the last couple of years I became a different person. One that I didn't really recognize or like much. I tried to be happy and kind and caring but instead I was angry, cruel, selfish.

Since I've made this life changing decision, I feel like I'm slowly starting to be myself again. I no longer get frustrated as easily, I'm happier, I'm even singing in the shower. I feel bad for my neighbours who may have heard my off key warbles. I feel like I can accomplish anything. I have hope back in my life.

The other day I was at the grocery store when someone cut in line in front of me. Normally I would confront them, get really angry and stew about it the rest of the day. This time, I let it go. Maybe they were in a hurry, maybe they didn't see me. It didn't really matter, I wasn't in a rush.

I know people don't change overnight and it's going to be gradual but I'm starting to see little changes in my attitude and life and that excites me. The best thing is that I don't have to make an effort to be kind, it's natural again. All of this hatred that I felt before, that I tried to hide from the world but invariably came out is gone. I feel peaceful and ready to make amends with the people I've hurt.

Okay, I know this sounds cheesy and like I've been reading from a self help book but it's honestly how I feel and I love it. I never want to go back to the mean person I was again.

Change of heart.

After much deliberation, I have deleted these last two posts. Not because I'm ashamed but because this isn't what I intended my blog to be for. Ranting to the Internet, sure but right now I'm in a place where I'm really struggling and I want to do more ranting. It's better to do it anonymously so I don't annoy the people who do read this blog. Thank you to those who do read it. More posts about setting things on fire, losing my keys, or cutting off the tips of my fingers to come.

I did throw a cat toy today. It harmlessly bounced off my lamp and landed behind the couch. The cat closely following, did not. He knocked over the lamp, bounced off the table and hid under the couch. He's fine. Although he no longer chases his toy when I throw it for him.